In which I wax poetic on fame, fortune, and lacks thereof. OK, maybe not poetic.

The Weirdness That is Hollywood astounds me still.

I knew there were a lot of celebrities, both past and present oozing throughout the pores of Los Angeles county. I've run into porn stars trying to forget their porny pasts, blowhard combo-names-du-jour (Bradgelina and the like - ech), and aging boardtreaders wondering where the hell all the time went. I haven't even gotten to the musicians yet.

For instance, I am a waitress. I haven't paid my bills on time once in over eight months. I'm broke. I'm looking to move on to a *gasp* day job, and will use waiting tables to pay off old stuff while new job pays off current stuff.

So I'm applying for this job, and I get this interview. The interview goes well. I'm near Sawtelle, so I decided to grab some ramen. YUM! Asahi Ramen rocks. My feet really hurt. Again, that whole waitress thing. For the 2-3 block walk from my car, I switched to my flops - they do NOT match my ensemble. They shorten me, and make my curvy bits look more like chunky bits. I still got whistled at - SWEET! Doesn't happen much since I moved here. At home, I'm an 8, and here I'm a 4. Sucks. But I digress. Suffice it to say, I felt good about myself at the time.

So I took the window table at Asahi Ramen. The place was full, and an attractive couple wanted a table. The gentleman looked familiar, and he was very handsome. He had dark, curling hair very thoroughly shot with silver - think Clooney while on ER, and you'll have the idea. His hair coloring screamed "early to late forties", but he still seemed young for that. He seemed barely my age, and certainly the young lady was exactly that - young. Something was very poignantly familiar about his lips. I'm an artist, so I pick up on that sort of thing. I tried not to stare, but the couple were kind of in the way of the view. in order to look out the window, I must look at them. Bizarrely, I felt as though I were in a reverse fishbowl. I was a semi-ugly betta attempting to attract attention so I could beg some fish flakes, but no one was noticing. Way weird. Anyway, I can't recall the gesture he made that reminded me, but I realized that I was looking at Balthazar Getty.

He's the same age as me, as a quick google revealed. 34. He's infinitely more handsome that he was in Young Guns II (where I first saw him and sighed), and much older. I still get mistaken for 23. I doubt he's been carded for a beer in years, and he had a baby face, back in the day. When he still looked fifteen, I got mistaken for thirty. Shit's changed.

Tinseltown must weigh a fucking ton, and I never truly saw it until that moment. Yeah, if you're lucky, you get to be like him and work with David Lynch and Oliver Stone. You end up on a diet of protein shakes and botox, too.

Valentine's day amuses me to no end. It's a Christian Holiday Appropriated by Hallmark and Russell Stover, but much more thoroughly than Xmas/Easter. I celebrated by trying my first foie gras (nothing says romance like a force-fed goose!) and sharing a restaurant with David Hyde Pierce of Frasier fame. Not bad.

At my Chinese Chain Restaurant Job, Jani Lane of Warrant ended up in the kitchen while looking for a bathroom. I pointed him the right way with a smile, while Kristi joked that if he stayed in the kitchen we'd have to put him to work. He didn't laugh. He was probably embarrassed. If memory serves from my Mental Metal Edge Archives, he had a real shit job pre-rock-star, and he might have had nasty flashbacks. I'd have left, too!

He is *extremely* blond. He looks better with glasses and short hair. I smile to remember the beef in the early nineties between Matthew Nelson and him over that Bobbi Brown chick that was in the Cherry Pie video (that they played incessantly. Repeatedly. I began to pray for Snoop and Dre to come on and save me, and I was a fucking metalhead, they played that song so goddamn much!) that Jani started dating. I remember seeing exactly *one* Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous episode where Matt dropped $21k for a week's stay in a hotel with that chica, and that was just the room. Not the food! Bitch betta give great head! They spent more in one week back then what I make in a year NOW. Damn. (And now Matt's got a Fredrick's of Hollywood model for a wife. Definitely an improvement. Possibly even a cheaper one.)

Rene Auberjonois (Odo on Deep Space Nine! And also on Benson, et. al.) was my geek high of sightings! Too bad his tablemate was a douchebag. Perhaps the man is ill, but in case of him possibly ever reading this, I have a message:
Mr. Auberjonois, for you I have much respect. Perhaps there are reasons for his actions, but the man you shared a table with at my Chinese Chain Restaurant Job is hazardous to your dining experience. You were in very professional hands that evening, but I assure you that many who share in my job description do not have my scruples, or those of your lovely server. Dining out with this person will result in, and may have all ready resulted in, sullied food or drink. Stay away, for your own sake. And for god's sake, be sure you tip well enough to make up for his behavior. Apologizing to the server wouldn't hurt either. That always goes a long way with us, and we'll share behind the scenes, being sure to keep others' hands out of your food too - the kitchen staff may act in a server's defense. Just sayin'.

Alec Baldwin's publicist is a bit of a twit - there's an hour wait, no, he can't cut in line. But Alec himself was quite pleasant, and sat with his family on the patio in a light drizzle. His daughter is stunning. Then, I was reminded of who her mother is, and remembered why - she has the Holy Grail of Genetics. Nothing like the glare of expectation. I know it well, but at about 1/1000th the intensity. I got your Complete Lack of Envy right here.

So, I skipped watching the Oscars - we killed cable, and I sure as hell wasn't gonna stream the whole damn thing. I heard about the winners, and thought about it.

Heath Ledger died, possibly quite an unhappy person, and won a statue he's too dead to care about. Jani Lane's biggest claim to fame is a commercial crap song he didn't even like very much when he wrote it. Balthazar aged a lot more in ten years than he should have. Alec has some douche talking for him. Rene has to watch his food quality thanks to his tablemate. Angelina and Jennifer will forever be assumed to be locked in a struggle of hate. The worst part is people WATCHING them suffer. I slave for a tiny bit of cash that doesn't pay the bills, endure Verbal Abuse Week at my job, handle endless insult and injury while being underpaid, ache without medical coverage, and wear the same clothing over and over endlessly - and I wouldn't want to be ANY of the above-mentioned people.

I'll keep on being a Hollywood 4, since I'm used to that. Don't have to be a 10 to clean teeth or write a good story. Don't have to worry (as much) about the calories from that extra cookie. Don't have to obsess over each line or wrinkle. Don't have to be the ant under the magnifying glass. Fine by me. Now do you want white or brown rice with that?

Continuing the QoS and Star Trek Rant...

Ok, to finish with a few thoughts:

What really bothers me about the new Star Trek movie is how airbrushed it is, as shown by this example. It's not dirty enough, and these boys look like they're about 19. Quinto doesn't look only 2 years younger than me. He's too smooth.

I've really been thinking how my love for Spock got me into that godawful marriage. I thought I found cool, beautiful, and brilliant, but I found hateful and abusive instead. However, this is certainly not to imply that I believe Spock to be abusive. That was just the emotional thing on the show that made him distant. The coolness was real, not manufactured. That, and my ex is a violent douchebag. And Spock/Leonard actually has a nice ass. Not so much the case with my ex...

Oh, and whatever SciFi Winona Ryder has ever been in has SUCKED. Fantasy she's good with. But she's wearing a kryptonite strap-on dildo for sci-fi, and this shit's gonna hurt.

We'll have to see.

OK, so the Bond movie... Bad ass! Daniel Craig is officially my favorite Bond! The Jack White/Alicia Keys song was ok, and rocking. The villain could have been stronger, but I thought the plot was excellent. I get the feeling they're gearing up for something pretty nuts for the next film. The film was action-packed, and I'm trying to remember when I've seen a better posse walk - especially since Bond has no posse! And I like the depth that this new Bond has. He's not a "fuck 'em all, and let M sort 'em out" kind of Bond. Yeah, he gets busy. He's Bond. But it wasn't flashy or gratuitous. It wasn't like Roger Moore who schkeezed on every skirt that passed.

I love Judi Dench as M even more now. She is made of iron. I wanna bet that plucky and awesome, and she's got a few years on me. I'd trade!

Just once, though, I'd love it if they got a Bond girl who wasn't a size 4 or smaller. Just once. Juice is where it's at, yo! Bring the jiggle!

On Daniel Craig, I am continually startled at how he moves with speed and grace AND strength. I'm not into blondes, but DAMN! Just Damn!

Go on and see it kiddies! :D

In which I rant about the new Star Trek trailer and gush over Quantum of Solace...

Ok, so it worked out where Gabriel and I got to see Quantum of Solace, the new James Bond film last night at midnight. I was pumped about the trailers, too, since the new trailers for both Watchmen and Star Trek were to be included also.

The trailer for Watchmen wasn't up. Goddammit. I'm reserving judgement on what I perceive to be an unnecessary sin of Hollywood, but I accept that it is unstoppable. So I want to see the trailer. Is that too much to ask, you AMC fuckers??? Word to the wise: if there is a highly anticipated movie, and the studios release that its trailer is to be put before a certain film, PUT IT THERE! Assholes. A lot of fans were expecting to see this trailer. I am perturbed that I did not get to.

New movie about Nazis... I was watching amazing Brit actor after amazing Brit actor crawl across the screen. My interest was piqued. And then Tom Cruise, er, cruised onscreen, and I got the feminine equivalent of dickshrivel. He's a wonderful actor, yes. Why he can't bother to have the same accent as anyone else in the film, I don't know. But he's gone too weird. I have a hard time watching him, and the campy-looking eye patch in the flick. It's called Valkyrie, by the way. It reminded me of other stuff that was fantastic once you scraped the turd off the top and ignored its existence.

There was a new Adam Sandler film that I won't be seeing.

But the new Star Trek trailer was first. It's a reboot of the Original Trek from the sixties. As someone who abhors the constant retconning in comics (where the writers decide to start over and pretend that a lot of history just doesn't exist so that they can skip the whole creativity part), I reject the idea.

J.J. Abrams touches something and it turns to gold, usually, so we'll see. If this flick ends up being successful, I imagine we'll be subjected to more of them with random new directors. I shudder at the thought of Michael Bay or Jonathan Frakes at the helm.

The writers have written for Alias (which I never watched), but also committed the sin of writing the new Transformers movie (which kinda blew goats, though that's not all the writers' faults), MI:III (moderately ok). Worse, most of that Hercules and Xena shit was their doing. GAH! Those were so campy and awful and inaccurate, I hardly have hope for Star Trek. The dudes who wrote The Island? Come on, that's hardly amazing enough cred for Trek!

So, the trailer shows Kirk as a kid, then teen in Iowa. Ok, not bad. Chris Pine looks ok as Kirk, although Kirk was never the attractor for me. I'd need to see the film and an old Trek episode next to each other to see. But he's got the posing, arrogance, and posturing right.

Not sure if I buy the kid from "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" as Sulu.

Didn't see hair or hide of Karl Urban as McCoy, at least not a devoted shot as such.

There was, however, a devoted shot of Uhura getting undressed, white bra and all. Zoe Saldana is quite pretty, but way too thin to be Uhura. It's like they succumbed to current skinny-model trends in the retcon. Grrrr... She's a fine actress, but not what I was hoping for. I'm sure she'll do fine, it's just the stereotyping that if you're attractive, you must also be skinny. I hate that. But here's Nichelle Nichols as Uhura Statuesque and voluptuous. A little big for a film star today. You'll see what I mean when you see all of Zoe's ribs and abs when she's taking her shirt off. Covering her face, even. You know, Nichelle once told Dr. Martin Luther King that she wanted to leave the Trek show while it was filming. He told her she shouldn't, because what she was doing for African-Americans was important. The idea of a black female Lieutenant on a flagship for the entire world was an important one, especially since she couldn't have sat in the front of the bus at the time. Star Trek was pivotal in gradually turning racism on its ear. Pop culture laid the groundwork for fighting racism, and Gene Roddenberry (bless him!) saw the future as it should be: raceless. If they reduce Uhura to T&A in this film, I shall be disappointed, just because it ignores the character as a turning point in the Civil Rights Movement of the sixties. More than disappointed. Angered.

Oh, and the last bit: Spock. Oh, where to begin? I suppose you'd have to begin with me as a child to understand my point of view. Small girl, poor, in suburbarural Atlanta in a mixed-race tiny town. At home, white people doing white things. Family of firemen, truckers, dentists and artists. Music everywhere. Broke-down cars and banana pudding, farming at my grandparents' place, and at that damn Christian cult several times a week. And poor. Deciding to feed us or the dog poor. Turning on the oven for heat poor. Living in grandpa's old house poor. Library books, network tv on a tiny black and white set (in the late seventies, color had been out a WHILE), and my imagination as toys poor. I was happy, so I'm not complaining.

But when you compare that to the show, my mind was blown. I was around other races, so Uhura and Sulu were real to me. I had black friends and asian friends. I had white friends, full of bluster like Kirk, and full of earnest help like McCoy. But I'd never seen ANYTHING like Spock. Not just the ears and brows, but the soul, the aching clarity of the self. A man trapped between two worlds (I don't think I had any mixed-race classmates), brilliantly intelligent, strong, tall, secure. He was the first man I fell in love with. Not a sexual love, since I was too little to think that way yet, though he is certainly very attractive also. Not Leonard, either, since I didn't have the fortune to know him. But Spock, the character. I wanted a man like him.

Enter my doom. I once told my girlfriends in high school that my male ideal had a big nose. Tall, dark hair, preferably mussed, broad-shouldered, narrow waist. Brilliantly intelligent. They looked at me like I was nuts and gave me Tom Cruise movies to watch (remember the aforementioned feminine dickshrivel? There ya go). If I saw a man like that, I wanted. If he were distant, I wanted more. I totally missed the point that Spock is completely distant emotionally, and would never open up. Hoo, boy.

Every relationship got me closer to that ideal until my disaster of a marriage with the most "perfect" man: He was actually a cesspool of imperfections. That unavailable thing reeled me in like a goddamn trout. I didn't see the hell I was wrapping myself into. And hell it was. I was a tool. In the words of Nick Cave, "I feel like a vacuum cleaner - a complete sucker!" Glad to be out of that!

It took me forever to see my problem. It also took me forever to find out Leonard was Jewish. Apparently, a lot of Jewish men have big noses and dark, mussed hair. Oh. Funnily enough, I'm with a sexy man of Jewish descent. He's like a mix of Spock and Joe McIntyre from New Kids: Big nose, mussy hair, blue eyes, rosy cheeks. I'm in heaven.

So, you can see the loaded history for me with Spock. The boy had damn well better be right if he's going to play young Spock. And he looks like Leonard is the thing! But I don't know if that cool brilliance is there from the trailer. I am completely unconvinced that anyone can deliver that. The times were so poignant and the costs so much, that there is only one Spock.

I am unenthralled. I hope I'm wrong.

And I'm late for work! GAH! I'll pop back in for the Quantum of Solace bit later....