In which I wax poetic on fame, fortune, and lacks thereof. OK, maybe not poetic.

The Weirdness That is Hollywood astounds me still.

I knew there were a lot of celebrities, both past and present oozing throughout the pores of Los Angeles county. I've run into porn stars trying to forget their porny pasts, blowhard combo-names-du-jour (Bradgelina and the like - ech), and aging boardtreaders wondering where the hell all the time went. I haven't even gotten to the musicians yet.

For instance, I am a waitress. I haven't paid my bills on time once in over eight months. I'm broke. I'm looking to move on to a *gasp* day job, and will use waiting tables to pay off old stuff while new job pays off current stuff.

So I'm applying for this job, and I get this interview. The interview goes well. I'm near Sawtelle, so I decided to grab some ramen. YUM! Asahi Ramen rocks. My feet really hurt. Again, that whole waitress thing. For the 2-3 block walk from my car, I switched to my flops - they do NOT match my ensemble. They shorten me, and make my curvy bits look more like chunky bits. I still got whistled at - SWEET! Doesn't happen much since I moved here. At home, I'm an 8, and here I'm a 4. Sucks. But I digress. Suffice it to say, I felt good about myself at the time.

So I took the window table at Asahi Ramen. The place was full, and an attractive couple wanted a table. The gentleman looked familiar, and he was very handsome. He had dark, curling hair very thoroughly shot with silver - think Clooney while on ER, and you'll have the idea. His hair coloring screamed "early to late forties", but he still seemed young for that. He seemed barely my age, and certainly the young lady was exactly that - young. Something was very poignantly familiar about his lips. I'm an artist, so I pick up on that sort of thing. I tried not to stare, but the couple were kind of in the way of the view. in order to look out the window, I must look at them. Bizarrely, I felt as though I were in a reverse fishbowl. I was a semi-ugly betta attempting to attract attention so I could beg some fish flakes, but no one was noticing. Way weird. Anyway, I can't recall the gesture he made that reminded me, but I realized that I was looking at Balthazar Getty.

He's the same age as me, as a quick google revealed. 34. He's infinitely more handsome that he was in Young Guns II (where I first saw him and sighed), and much older. I still get mistaken for 23. I doubt he's been carded for a beer in years, and he had a baby face, back in the day. When he still looked fifteen, I got mistaken for thirty. Shit's changed.

Tinseltown must weigh a fucking ton, and I never truly saw it until that moment. Yeah, if you're lucky, you get to be like him and work with David Lynch and Oliver Stone. You end up on a diet of protein shakes and botox, too.

Valentine's day amuses me to no end. It's a Christian Holiday Appropriated by Hallmark and Russell Stover, but much more thoroughly than Xmas/Easter. I celebrated by trying my first foie gras (nothing says romance like a force-fed goose!) and sharing a restaurant with David Hyde Pierce of Frasier fame. Not bad.

At my Chinese Chain Restaurant Job, Jani Lane of Warrant ended up in the kitchen while looking for a bathroom. I pointed him the right way with a smile, while Kristi joked that if he stayed in the kitchen we'd have to put him to work. He didn't laugh. He was probably embarrassed. If memory serves from my Mental Metal Edge Archives, he had a real shit job pre-rock-star, and he might have had nasty flashbacks. I'd have left, too!

He is *extremely* blond. He looks better with glasses and short hair. I smile to remember the beef in the early nineties between Matthew Nelson and him over that Bobbi Brown chick that was in the Cherry Pie video (that they played incessantly. Repeatedly. I began to pray for Snoop and Dre to come on and save me, and I was a fucking metalhead, they played that song so goddamn much!) that Jani started dating. I remember seeing exactly *one* Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous episode where Matt dropped $21k for a week's stay in a hotel with that chica, and that was just the room. Not the food! Bitch betta give great head! They spent more in one week back then what I make in a year NOW. Damn. (And now Matt's got a Fredrick's of Hollywood model for a wife. Definitely an improvement. Possibly even a cheaper one.)

Rene Auberjonois (Odo on Deep Space Nine! And also on Benson, et. al.) was my geek high of sightings! Too bad his tablemate was a douchebag. Perhaps the man is ill, but in case of him possibly ever reading this, I have a message:
Mr. Auberjonois, for you I have much respect. Perhaps there are reasons for his actions, but the man you shared a table with at my Chinese Chain Restaurant Job is hazardous to your dining experience. You were in very professional hands that evening, but I assure you that many who share in my job description do not have my scruples, or those of your lovely server. Dining out with this person will result in, and may have all ready resulted in, sullied food or drink. Stay away, for your own sake. And for god's sake, be sure you tip well enough to make up for his behavior. Apologizing to the server wouldn't hurt either. That always goes a long way with us, and we'll share behind the scenes, being sure to keep others' hands out of your food too - the kitchen staff may act in a server's defense. Just sayin'.

Alec Baldwin's publicist is a bit of a twit - there's an hour wait, no, he can't cut in line. But Alec himself was quite pleasant, and sat with his family on the patio in a light drizzle. His daughter is stunning. Then, I was reminded of who her mother is, and remembered why - she has the Holy Grail of Genetics. Nothing like the glare of expectation. I know it well, but at about 1/1000th the intensity. I got your Complete Lack of Envy right here.

So, I skipped watching the Oscars - we killed cable, and I sure as hell wasn't gonna stream the whole damn thing. I heard about the winners, and thought about it.

Heath Ledger died, possibly quite an unhappy person, and won a statue he's too dead to care about. Jani Lane's biggest claim to fame is a commercial crap song he didn't even like very much when he wrote it. Balthazar aged a lot more in ten years than he should have. Alec has some douche talking for him. Rene has to watch his food quality thanks to his tablemate. Angelina and Jennifer will forever be assumed to be locked in a struggle of hate. The worst part is people WATCHING them suffer. I slave for a tiny bit of cash that doesn't pay the bills, endure Verbal Abuse Week at my job, handle endless insult and injury while being underpaid, ache without medical coverage, and wear the same clothing over and over endlessly - and I wouldn't want to be ANY of the above-mentioned people.

I'll keep on being a Hollywood 4, since I'm used to that. Don't have to be a 10 to clean teeth or write a good story. Don't have to worry (as much) about the calories from that extra cookie. Don't have to obsess over each line or wrinkle. Don't have to be the ant under the magnifying glass. Fine by me. Now do you want white or brown rice with that?

As I continue slaving, er, serving, I encounter more celebrities...

Yes. Still serving. Sucks.

But, at my said place of employment, I had 2 sightings at the same time, and my first paparazzi encounter.

Dave Grohl was within 2 feet of me. Dave. Fucking. Grohl. He was there with a really cute kid and a pregnant woman (assuming his wife & kid. I don't get too involved in these nice people's love lives. not my business. I wish them well, though.) There were about 10 people at the table, and all the plebs like you & me started behaving like utter douches. Some people staring with their friends snapping at them not to stare, then others pretending they were above it. No one harassed Dave, though, which is good. I always think you should not interrupt people at dinner, even if they are your hero. Heroes need to eat, too, dammit! but EVERYONE hated the paparazzo who showed up.

Some dude popped up, yanked a camera out of his coat, and snapped a couple of shots before bailing to the other side of the dining room to annoy Cedric the Entertainer, who had also come in for some Chinese food. It was highly surreal. What a douche. I find a way to make a living without being scum, so why can't he?

Dave paid - with the Foo Fighters black Amex. (for those not in the know, the black AmEx requires a minimum spending of $100k/a year. Just on that card. You are a big balla if you have that card. It is made of titanium, and is SO choice.) I never thought I'd see a credit card that listed the cardholder as "Foo Fighters". Fucking weird.

The next table over was mine, and was a birthday party for a girl turning 15. I had to explain to her that the guy everyone was trying not to stare at would not have been able to set foot in the restaurant when she was born because he was so famous. I also realized that the 15th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's suicide is in a couple of months. I remember it really well because it happened when I was on my spring break during senior year in 1994. It was the only time I went anywhere for spring break with friends. Mental math, and the fact that there was a 15 year old in front of me who had been 6 weeks old at the time drove home how long ago that was. It seems like just last week or something. Not so very long ago.

I felt really old for a minute. A quick Google reveals that Dave just turned 40. I then realized that the best part of Dave's life is probably right now: not too obnoxiously famous a la Brad Pitt, but still rich and able to enjoy a relatively quiet night out. Probably gets to spend time with his kid(s), too.

I want to be just like Dave when I grow up. If in 7 years (when I'm 40) I am half so fulfilled, I will be pleased with myself indeed.

*****
That is all for my Los Angeles adventures this week. Tune in next time for more, or check my other blog, A Southerner's Guide to (surviving) Los Angeles.

Vin Diesel is a nice guy, but I'm a slack-ass.

Ok, not completely slack-ass, just mostly slack-ass.

Haven't written one damn word of my novel in a while. I know, I suck. My first NaNoWriMo was an anemic attempt to say the least. Oh, well. But, I am furiously working out my plot holes, etc. The new timeline is to do a full outline, plot, etc. by the end of December, followed by a 30-day first draft for January. Followed by a 30-day outline of book #2 for February, then a 30-day first draft of book #2 for March. And so on.

Yeah, I know. Ambitious. But I'd like to get a lot of major writing done the first 6 months of next year so that come summer, I can go back to my first attempt and revise like a maniac. The eventual goal is still one readable (i.e. 3rd or 4th draft that doesn't suck so bad that my peeps can't read it yet) manuscript by October 31st, 2008, otherwise known as my 33rd birthday.

Vin Diesel came in to my restaurant, and I was vaguely interested because he's a goofy D&D nerd like me. He really liked our hostess, Danielle. He was such a sweetheart, acting all shy and goofy when he asked for her number. And he was so polite to the servers & other hosts, too. He gets my nice guy vote.

Also, I forgot to mention my Jon Lovitz sighting a few months ago (illustrating his golf swing to someone no less), as well as Danny Bonaducci, so I'll add them to the list below.

KRS-One
Nick Lachey & his VJ girlfriend ( I should look up her name, but that implies that I give a damn...)
Ashton Kutcher / Demi Moore last December
Bruce McGill (he was on MacGuyver, among other things - classy, pleasant fellow!)
Mark Dacascos (Brotherhood of the Wolf - AWESOME guy, really nice, too!)
Kirk Cameron
Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit)

(again, the above list is just for the peeps back home in Atlanta who would think these sightings are cool/weird. Unless they're from Star Trek or Star Wars, or just one of the exceptionally cool ones (coughBenicioDelTorocough), I really don't care. They're just people. Plus, it is kind of neat to mention who else I've seen who isn't in nerd-dom. I was starting to look like a geek when all my celebrity meetings involved dragons or spaceships, not that that's a bad thing.)

Food for thought:

Krispy Kreme has a Star Wars themed doughnut cake available. I know what you're thinking. Don't. I'll balloon up like, well, a balloon.

Celebrity Sightings.... 2 in 2 days!

Well, on Oct 30th, Nick Lachey and his MTV Vj girlfriend ate in my restaurant. Ho, hum. Not particularly excited, but it's a sighting, ya know?

I was MUCH more enthused to see KRS-One sitting near my section on the 31st, though! I mean, KRS-One. Come ON! The girl with him looked familiar, but I couldn't place her.

Um, other than that, I saw Meredith Baxter Birney in Santa Monica a couple of weeks ago.

General list so far is as follows:

Ashton Kutcher / Demi Moore last December
Bruce McGill (he was on MacGuyver, among other things - classy, pleasant fellow!)
Mark Dacascos (Brotherhood of the Wolf - AWESOME guy, really nice, too!)
Kirk Cameron
Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit)

I'm sure I'll remember more of whom I've seen. They all run together, and they're just people, after all.

I'm hoping that the members of Wu-Tang Clan that have been in before come back when I'm on shift, though. That would be DOPE!

I managed to not retch as I saw an ad on Craigslist looking to hire paparazzi photographers. I won't be applying for that one. I don't need the cash *that* badly.